Controlled chaos.
With an 11, 9, and 5 year old, that is the only way I can describe our life with three elementary-age children, under normal circumstances.
They have a lot of energy, and I love them to death. But back in 2018, when I started Engineers Rising LLC and first started working from home, I struggled to get ANYTHING done in my fledging business at all.
This was a huge problem. I was the only employee, and if I couldn’t get stuff done, nothing was getting done.
And if nothing was getting done, that would mean I’d be out of business before I even really got started.
So, I figured it out. I got creative and I learned what I needed to do to work from home, with three kids.
And in this time where many people are suddenly and with minimal warning working from home, these insights might make the difference in you being able to enjoy your time working from home, or being miserable.
What did I learn? Read on to find out.
1. APPROACH THE CHANGE WITH COMPASSION.
Everyone is adjusting their schedules to this new normal. Some will adjust more easily than others, and there’s bound to be some hiccups and short tempers. That includes children.
The adjustment period is going to vary by your specific situation, however typically the adjustment period starts from the last big change, and if there are multiple big changes it restarts. That could be the school closing. It could be from when your state gave a stay-at-home order (Of note: only about half the states have done that at the time of writing).
It will be longer if a child has a close friend or family member who is in essential services. It will be longer if you have a close friend or family member who has underlying health conditions or who falls ill.
This makes it extremely important to understand that just because YOU’VE had a chance to get accustomed to the new situation, you don’t get to choose when your child has “enough time” to adjust.
My kids act out when they are having trouble adjusting to new circumstances or changes in routine (example: the first week of school, and the first week of summer vacation), so don’t be surprised if yours do too.
This can be especially confusing if you have relatives who aren’t staying at home. We had a situation in my own state where they gave stay-at-home orders by county at first, and my kids had a zoom call with relatives in a different county who didn’t have a stay-at-home order. You might experience the same thing if you have relatives in other states.
Have patience with your children’s questions, and do what you can to create a regular routine.
You also start by treating yourself compassionately and halting any negative self-talk you might have around the way things used to be, including that little voice that keeps whispering “how productive you used to be in the office” and holding you to that standard during the exact same hours.
That voice isn’t serving you, and she’s holding you back from coming to terms with your new reality, which includes your kids. That voice is preventing you from looking forward to finding solutions, instead of backward. And, if you’re hearing it often, it is increasing your own stress level. Kids pick up on that, and it will make it harder (and longer) for them to adjust.
If you’re having trouble adjusting yourself, please understand that this is entirely normal and you are not alone. Give yourself a little space and time, and focus on self-care. We shared some ways to manage that stress in last week’s blog.
2. SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS AND BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR KIDS
A lot of kids don’t understand what “work” means. Since they associate everyone being home with weekend and vacation time, it’s only natural that they might think you will be playing with them all day long.
Have an explicit discussion of why you work, when you are planning to work, and the (realistic) expectations you have for the kids during that time. Have the kids help you set up both their and your own schedules. My advice is to stick as close to a previous schedule as you can, with more judicious breaks during the day.
To be clear: it is NOT realistic for you to expect to work from home for eight hours straight, without any interruptions or long breaks, if you have middle-school-aged kids or younger. You will need to adjust your schedule (Example: 6am-10am, 11am-noon, and 2-5pm).
For example, if the kids get up and my husband and I are already in our respective offices, they know they can get themselves something to eat (we have breakfast bars on hand where they can reach) and then have some screen time. They know if they interrupt one of us (except for emergencies), screen time is over. That gives both my husband and I a couple hour block of uninterrupted work time in the morning.
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3. ALIGN YOUR “DEEP THINKING” WORK TIME WITH YOUR KIDS’ SCHEDULE.
Schedule your uninterrupted work time for your highest priority tasks when your kids are sleeping or likely to play alone (or with their siblings).
I use time blocking to schedule time to do my most important focus work when the kids are sleeping or during times of day when they are least likely to interrupt me. For me and many other parents, that’s in the morning. It also could be nap time or even after the kids go to bed.
A word of caution: If you need to schedule your focused work time when the kids are likely to interrupt you, be prepared to relax any rules you normally have around messes or TV time.
I had a two-hour call during the late afternoon the first week the schools were closed. Because that’s a time when I’ve had issues getting interrupted in the past, we set up a “painting station” for the kids to do during that time.
When I was done with that call, there was paint everywhere, including on the dog (they did *try* to clean it up). But, that is the price I was willing to accept to get those specific two hours that day, and I referred back to #1 as I considered my own response to the mess.
4. SHARE THE CHILDCARE LOAD.
First, it’s important to recognize that it is challenging to work from home while supervising children, and that challenge increases exponentially the younger the children.
In my case, my spouse and I are working from home with an 11, 9, and 5 year old. For context, I started working from home when my youngest was three.
If both you and your partner are working from home, try a designated “child-interruption-free” times during the workday, when the kids go to the other parent if they need anything.
Does that mean that both parents can’t work at the same time? No. Rather it allows one parent to focus 100% on work (and complete their most important tasks as discussed in #3), while the other will try to get some work done while still being available for the children.
In our household, we’ve found we’ve had to flex our times a bit, as it often doesn’t make sense for one parent to be available for the kids all morning and then switch off for the afternoon. Instead, it looks more like a back-and-forth, especially during times of the day when there are more conference calls.
For myself, it is the morning where we can often both work uninterrupted because the kids are either still sleeping or they are doing focused on doing their online schoolwork. During those times of the day, checking in hourly or so seems to be sufficient to make sure they are on track.
The lesson here isn’t to follow the schedule that I use, but to be flexible and open-minded in figuring out what works for you, while allowing both partners to be able to get their work done.
If you want more information on specific things you can do to share the load, we found THIS video that can help. There are also specific tips in this video for single parents or parents whose spouse is in essential services (thank you for all you do!) and as such is not working from home.
Share the load with the kids too.
The laundry hamper isn’t just for playing. Allocate some chores for the kids during your work day. Folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher are two common ones in my house.
5. CREATE PHYSICAL SEPARATION
Create some sort of physical separation or sign that tells the kids you are working.
This tip goes hand and hand with this previous blog which shares the importance of creating a work-from-home “space”, even if it’s a corner of your living room.
I work in a room with a door. When the door is closed, the kids know that mom is on a call and should not be interrupted except for an emergency. When it’s open, they know they can come in. It’s not 100% foolproof, but it works about 90% of the time, even with my 5-year-old.
If you don’t have a door, you can also put up a sign, on the back of your chair or laptop that tells them you are working.
6. USE MUTE ON CONFERENCE CALLS JUDICIOUSLY
It’s simply a good habit to mute yourself on video calls if you are not speaking. When you have kids, the ability to mute and unmute at a moment’s notice is especially important.
If you have not already been provided with one, consider investing in a headset with one-touch muting. My headset, which I shared details on in this blog, allows me to mute myself when I push up the mouthpiece. To unmute, I simply pull the mouthpiece back down. This has been a lifesaver when it comes to interruptions of the small person variety.
My favorite sanity-saving tool
I use a headset that blocks ambient noise that I can mute and unmute with the touch of a finder.
7. STRATEGICALLY LOCATE YOUR COMPUTER FOR VIDEO CONFERENCE CALLS
Here’s a hack I’ve learned regarding video conference calls: The strategic location of your computer can virtually eliminate any chance that your child will be seen during a call.
As someone with a young child who sometimes appears in my office without clothing, this is a non-negotiable for me. Thus, I’ve located my computer such that during calls, you can’t see anyone but me, unless said child is literally sitting on my lap.
For example, I have mine set up on a desk in the middle of the room (NOT on a wall), where the camera and monitor are approximately 3 feet away from a wall and are always facing a wall. I can see the door of the room when sitting behind my computer, which means none of my children can make appearances on a call without me knowing (we’ve all seen those videos!).
Additionally, I always take calls standing. Because my laptop is raised to eye level when I’m standing (via this $30 purchase), which means that the 5-year-old could literally be standing next to me during a call and would not be seen.
Alternatively, you can turn off your video if there is no other option. However, in my opinion, the large con of being more disconnected from your team without video makes this a last resort.
My office setup
I can see the door from my computer, and my webcam is facing the wall right behind my chair. This layout hack allows me to stop interruptions from my kids on conference calls before they have a chance to enter the room.
8. WHEN YOU ARE INTERRUPTED DURING A CALL, DON’T OVERREACT.
Thousands of households are in a situation with two adults working from home with school-age children also at home. You won’t be the first or last person to have a child (or roommate, or spouse) make a cameo appearance on a phone call.
For most parents, this situation of when, not if, that happens. That’s great news because it means you can consider ahead of time how you will handle it.
Yelling at a child while on a call for interrupting or apologizing profusely for the next 20 minutes are much more disruptive than if you had quietly excused (and muted) yourself to address the interruption.
Those types of reactions undermine your authority at work because they give the impression that you are inflexible and emotional. Instead, stay calm and handle the situation with grace and humor.
Keeping your head and staying calm while dealing with unexpected conditions demonstrates leadership. It is so important for women in particular, that it’s considered a “MVT (Most Valuable Trait)”. I’ve detailed why that is and how you can practice staying calm in the moment in Chapter 3 of She Engineers, so I’m not going to go into detail here.
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9. GET CREATIVE (AND BE FLEXIBLE) WITH KIDS’ ACTIVITIES
The point of this blog isn’t to give you a list of things to keep your kids occupied while you are working from home. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a couple of things that we’ve noticed REALLY improve the day when it comes to the health and happiness of all in our household:
Encouraging everyone to be creative and focusing on solutions – instead of complaining about how different things are – has helped keep spirits high.
Having the kids’ plan their own day results in more household harmony (which leads to fewer work interruptions in general). Every morning, I ask the kids what one reading and one math thing they are going to do that morning, and we repeat in the afternoon. That gives them a sense of control and purpose over their own day, and we celebrate those accomplishments at dinner.
“I’m bored” means it’s time to give the kids more chores……and they know it, so we haven’t heard that much after the first week.
The kids model what they see. Parents complaining about the situation = grumpy, complaining, acting-out kids. I try to spend a few moments in self-care (deep breathing, a 5-minute walk alone) when I start to feel like too much togetherness is getting on my nerves. I’m an introvert and need my quiet time…it’s a work in progress!
Physically tired children = fewer interruptions and generally better moods for all. I often take the kids (and the dog) with me for a mid-day walk (of course staying 6 feet away from others). I also try to take a movement break every 60-90 minutes, and the kids and I dance to one song during that time.
We let a lot of things go that we *normally* would not. There’s extra screen time and messes….but that’s OK. This is a time to love on your kids, not introduce new or stricter rules.
Scavenger hunts are a current kid favorite for non-school activities. Yesterday, we pulled the plastic Easter eggs out of the attic and hid them all over the house at night. In the morning, it took the kids more than an hour to find them all……they had fun, moved around, and it gave me an extra hour of interrupted work time.
Looking for some more hands-on STEM-related activities to do with kids? Check out my friend Engineering Emily’s blog for ideas, which you can find HERE.
Are you working from home with kids? Share your story and any tips you might have for other parents in the comments below!
