It was 4 pm the day before the deadline. I paged through the review markup from my manager I'd finally received that afternoon. I clenched my teeth in frustration as I scrambled to incorporate all the last-minute changes.
These markups alone would result in hours of work. In addition, the client had requested some "minor" (to them) last-minute changes. It was going to be a very late night.
Four diet cokes later, it was after midnight when I rubbed my sleepy eyes, set my final markups on the draftsperson's desk, and shut down my computer. I struggled to keep my eyes open during the commute home, thinking to myself: "This happens every single time I have a deadline. There has to be a better way."
I tried an experiment:
I gave my manager a specific, earlier deadline to provide me with markups one week before my next deadline.
After discussion with my manager, I also communicated a list of specific items and decisions I needed to meet the next deadline to the client. I stated that any final changes were due one week before the deadline. Otherwise, we would proceed with what we did have at that time. Alternately, the deadline would need to shift by one week following receipt of this information.
When I hit "send" on those emails and had those conversations, I worried. I worried that by setting more firm boundaries, they would think I wasn't a team player. I worried about complaints. I also had no idea if they would comply with my requests.
The sky didn't fall when I set those boundaries. No one accused me of not being a team player or even gave much pushback.
I had carefully considered how to frame my requests for the good of the project and team. As a result, it was received as a "great idea" by my team members and ended morphed into an entire team interim deadline to be printed one week before the real deadline so everyone could complete final coordination.
This had a measurable impact on the number of changes and rework later compared to the previous last-minute scrambling “process”, resulting in lower costs for the overall project.
Did my manager give me their markups one week before? Nope. I received them the day after the interim deadline. That still gave me four days to get them in before the real deadline.
After that, late nights still happened occasionally before deadlines. It was during that project that I realized that setting firm boundaries = more productivity, including a LOT less rework for last-minute changes or worrying that I'd missed something.
Setting and communicating clear boundaries resulted in fewer late nights, less stress, and more work-life balance. It was a win-win for my mental health, leadership skills, AND my project outcomes.
I can also say with certainty (in hindsight) that my experiences with burnout were a direct result of false beliefs I had about setting boundaries. Here's a summary of the myths I believed:
I believed I needed to accommodate all requests from those in power above me, no matter the request or if I could reasonably fit the work into my schedule.
I bought into the "deadline trap." Because it happened over and over again (and was also happening to some – but not all - of my coworkers), I thought this was "the way things are" and that I had to accept it. I believed I did not personally have the power to change it.
I didn't know how to say "no" in a way that didn't jeopardize my professional reputation.
Sound familiar?
7 actionable tips for setting healthy boundaries at work
#1 Focus on what YOU can control
Sometimes we think that boundaries are for other people, to stop them from doing something we don't want them to do. In reality, you can't control what other people think, feel, or do. You can influence that behavior, but ultimately, how other people choose to show up is on them.
In contrast, how YOU choose to show up – your thoughts, feelings, and actions are on you.
Boundaries aren't something you set to get people to stop doing things TO you. Instead, what you're doing is setting clear expectations.
You've decided what is and is not OK with you, and you're telling someone how you intend to react when they cross a line with you.
#2 Give people the benefit of the doubt
Your work boundaries start with your personal limits, which come from your values and your life experiences. Those boundaries are going to vary by individual and your own life experiences.
I often see this when we talk about common microaggressions for women at work, such as getting interrupted or talked over during meetings or a joke about women drivers that everyone laughs at except you (as the sole woman in the conversation).
To some people, it would not even occur to them that their actions or comments overstepped your boundaries. That’s not a judgment on either of you, it’s simply a fact.
We often make the erroneous assumption that other people's boundaries match our own. We believe that other people *should* know our boundaries, particularly if we've stated them at least once before. We wish others would not push on our boundaries so much.
Like any other type of communication, when you state your boundaries, it is often the case that you thought you communicated clearly, except it wasn't fully heard or understood by the person on the receiving end. And specific to setting boundaries, that means it's your primary role and responsibility to go the extra mile in over-communicating them until that person understands that a specific behavior is unacceptable.
Instead, what we often do when people cross our boundary lines is silently demonize the person who crossed that line and complain to our peers and friends instead of facing it professionally. I’ve done this too, before I understood HOW to handle these types of situations in a way that is aligned with who I want to be at work.
A better solution is to be a professional that owns their part, acknowledges you could have communicated the boundary more clearly, and patiently and clearly reiterate that boundary.
Giving the people the benefit of the doubt when they cross your boundaries doesn't mean you let them off at the hook. It means that you assume positive intent.
The hard truth is that people pay less attention to you at work than you think they do. While you’ve been stressing and wasted precious energy over what they did or said (see #1), they may not even have noticed they crossed a boundary.
#3 Keep it professional
To be successful at work, we need to bring out our best professional selves. When we allow ourselves to take things personally when we receive bad news – for example, we're receiving feedback, or we got a performance review we didn't like - we often find ourselves in a place where we are mentally (if not verbally) blaming others for how they've made us feel. That keeps you from showing up from a place of power in the workplace.
That's why it's imperative to focus on the facts when you need to set boundaries.
Take these two different emails, which are two possible responses to your manager dropping a last-minute request on your desk or via email late in the day.
Each of the emails above are a potential response to the same scenario. One email is unprofessional, whining, and never actually establishes a boundary. The other focuses on facts, and both the limit and next step is very clear and professional.
Keep it professional and factual when setting boundaries at work. That means you're not blaming someone else for how YOU feel or how YOU'RE showing up. Again, you can't control how someone else shows up at work. Setting that boundary means you are simply giving them a heads up on what you're going to do when a line is crossed.
#4 Communicate early
Establishing your healthy boundaries when NOT in a deadline or work emergency can prevent your boundaries from being crossed at all. Moreover, particularly if you haven’t set firm boundaries in the past, waiting until you are overwhelmed and stressed to try setting those limits makes it much harder to do so.
For example, when working from home, communicate your work hours and what constitutes a work emergency, so you're not answered emails or calls during off-hours.
If you have a deadline coming up and need critical information from someone else, let them know well ahead of time and the specific consequences if they do not comply.
Communicating your boundaries clearly and upfront avoids future miscommunications.
#5 Get clear on your role
Do you have a current job description that is clear on your role? Do you know what success metrics look like in your position and what you need to accomplish in your current role to get to the next level?
I can't tell you how many STEM professionals don't have this information when we start working together. I understand because I've been in this situation also.
When you are not clear on success metrics in your role, it's significantly harder to establish boundaries around workloads.
You feel like you have to say yes to everything thrown your way. You don't know what you can or should delegate, and you end up with way too much work, which leads to more stress and even burnout.
Write your own job description and show it to HR or your manager if you need confirmation. Getting clear on your role is an essential step to setting healthy boundaries at work.
#6 Say no
Feeling like you can't say no is a common problem and one I struggled with before I understood how to frame my “no.” Helping you to say no diplomatically but firmly is a core function of how I help women in STEM set the boundaries you need to thrive in your career and life.
How do you say no while still being a team player and not coming across as rude?
Part of this goes back to #5. When you know your success metrics in your role, you have a litmus test for everything you say yes or no to at work.
If it's not part of your role, it needs to be delegated, unless there is a strategic reason to take it on: say it's a boss's pet project, or maybe you're just really excited about it.
If you need some ideas about HOW to say no, I invite you to check out THIS related blog or book a discovery call to discuss how I can help you.
#7 Use processes
One of the biggest boundary-pushing culprits that contributes to high levels of stress is interruptions.
When you're a manager, it can seem like every person you're managing is coming to you for questions, leaving you with no time to get your actual work done. It can also feel like it's easier to do things yourself than delegate, which adds to your exhaustion level.
Interruptions create a ripple effect. When you pause to answer a question or check email "quickly" before you go back to your work, it takes an average of 20 minutes to get back into what you were doing. That task-switching time adds up other the course of the day and can often lead to a situation where EVERY new request feels like it's pushing your boundaries because you're so overloaded with work.
For managers, it can seem like every person you're managing is coming to you for questions, leaving you with no time to get your actual work done. It can also feel like it's easier to do things yourself than delegate, which adds to your exhaustion level.
Establishing and communicating processes around how your time is spent at work means that your boundaries will be pushed on less once when set. A few examples are shown in the graphic below.
Setting Boundaries Means Less Stress and More Leadership Potential
If your goal is to have a career, you enjoy AND a life too, mastering setting boundaries is a foundation skill.
That doesn't mean you are inflexible or rigid. Instead, to set boundaries, take these three steps:
Deciding where you are "drawing the line"
Communicate your boundary
State the consequences for overstepping/not meeting your boundary
We need more women leaders in STEM, and honing your ability to set and stay accountable for boundaries is a foundational stepping stone to getting the respect you deserve at work, moving into a leadership role, and having a life outside of work too.
