It happened again.
During a monthly conference call, we were brainstorming ideas for getting the word out on one of our committee’s latest initiatives. One of the options discussed was going around to the college student groups affiliated with our organization to share our findings.
There was only one problem: the initiatives affected the entire state and it was not logistically feasible to physically speak to all the student groups.
The obvious solution (at least to me) was to create a video of our findings, and disperse it to the groups to watch at their convenience. I voiced that idea, which immediately gained support of others on the call. On the spot, I then volunteered to execute the project.
I hit a snag almost immediately. The findings had categories, each of which had been championed by a different person. There were eighteen. To keep the video interesting, the idea was that I’d invite each of these people to a video conference call with me which would be recorded. Each person would provide a 2-3 minute overview of their subject area. Then, I’d splice all of them together to create the video.
I sent a group email asking each person to schedule a short call via my calendar link, for which I received exactly 6 of 18 replies. I sent a couple of more emails with little response. Finally, I reached out to those in charge of the findings report to see if they could help me connect with those who hadn’t replied.
To complicate matters, several of the subject-matter experts preferred not to be videotaped, so a creative video solution needed to be developed to mesh the audio-only participants with the video participants.
I volunteered for this project in August. After all the email run-around, the interviews were complete in September, several weeks after the time originally proposed. While the extended time sounds helpful, I had expected this project to be complete before my travel schedule and hi-priority work deadlines neared later in the month.
I started to edit the video, and quickly realized that I hadn’t done a very good job of making sure everyone was concise in the interview, resulting in more editing than expected to reduce the video to the desired length. Video editing is focused work, even when you outsource it. It’s a kind of deep-thinking work that is hard to do without interruptions.
September came and went, and my focus had to be shifted to higher priority work. Periodically, I would get an email from one of the engineers in charge of the findings report, asking me for a status update. Here’s a paraphrase of some of the email conversations:
Me, in late September: “I only need about 8-16 more hours to get this done, I’ll try to get it to you in two weeks.”
In mid-October, after I’d hit a snag on a different deadline that ended up requiring a bunch of overtime hours: “I am traveling soon and we have a big deadline coming up the week before Thanksgiving. I have blocked out time to get this done at the end of November.”
In late November, after it became apparent that November’s big deadline was shifting to mid-December, I thought to myself: “I’ll work on it over the holidays.”
In January, when I hadn’t worked on it over the holidays (I needed the break!): “I have this as a priority to get done in January.”
When did it get done? Yesterday. That’s right, yesterday, after lingering since August.
When I look back at the last six months, my hours are long. This is a time of hustle in my life as the founder of a start-up. There aren’t wasted hours in my day. My kids know that mommy doesn’t watch TV, to the point that they usually trouble-shoot any issues with the remote control themselves on Saturday mornings. I only use social media for work-related reasons. I wasn’t taking care of myself as I should in this timeframe either.
I pride myself on being able to prioritize and focus on my most important work. I pride myself on getting things done on time. The reality is that even at the time I volunteered to take on this project, I had no business doing so.
There were simply too few hours in the day to get it done in my original timeframe with my other commitments. This wasn’t a matter of being more productive, because I was already over-committed.
Yet, that wasn’t the only unanticipated “new” project I said “yes” to in that same timeframe.
When I talk to other women, a common theme I hear is:
“I wish there were more than 24 hours in the day. Then I could get everything done!”
“I need to be more productive.”
“If I only needed less sleep, I’d have time to get everything done.”
The discussion is all about productivity.
That’s where we get it wrong. This isn’t a productivity issue at all. It’s a boundary-setting issue masquerading as a productivity problem. We aren’t saying no as much as we should. And we’re suffering – from overwhelm, from anxiety, from lack of confidence, and from burnout - because of it.
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WOMEN’S BOUNDARIES GET PUSHED ON MORE
Research shows that women, relative to men, spend less time on tasks that will influence their performance evaluations. These are the tasks that tend to lead to promotions and raises. Instead, women spend more time on tasks that, while beneficial to their employers, are less likely to drive career advancement. These types of tasks will be referred to as “non-promotable” tasks in the remainder of this blog.
The same research also indicates that women are more likely to both be asked to take on these tasks, and to volunteer to do them. Multiple studies show systematic gender differences in the allocation of work (examples: 1. Irene De Pater and colleagues; 2. Sara Mitchell and Vicki Hesli; and 3. Joya Misra and colleagues).
Research specific to women in engineering found the same trend. The general view of many engineers is that technical activities are aligned with what it means to be a “real engineer”. Other skills, such as the so-called “soft skills”, are not always as recognized or valued. This Harvard Business Review article summarizes what many women have anecdotally experienced:
“Our interviews with male engineers confirm these beliefs. Men said that their female co-workers are often drawn to the “less valuable” tasks at work. Specifically, they pointed out that their female coworkers’ tended to excel at the social aspects of the job (like relationship management and multitasking), but that these aspects were merely “peripheral” to the real, technical work.”
We see the same in studies of academic faculty. In a survey of Carnegie Mellon Faculty, the Harvard Business Review found that 90% of faculty surveyed agreed that an assistant professor has a higher chance of promotion if they focus on research as opposed to committee work, such as the faculty senate. When looking at data for a large public university, they found that when all faculty (all disciplines) were asked to volunteer for the faculty senate, only 3.7% chose to do so, but the ones that did were disproportionately women.
Interestingly, research also indicates that when women are in single-sex groups, their rate of volunteering is no more than that for men. Put another way, when all-male groups or all-female groups were asked to volunteer, the rates of volunteering were the same. That indicates that the real driver is a shared cultural understanding and expectation that women would volunteer more than men.
At first glance, it seems like the easiest solution is to simply stop volunteering for requests. Problem solved, right?
Not so fast. It turns out women are more likely to be asked to do non-promotable tasks, regardless of the gender of the person asking. Both men and women managers and coworkers ask women to do more non-promotable tasks than men. In one study, women received 44% more requests to volunteer in mixed-sex groups than men. Worse, when women do say no, they are more likely to receive backlash from both men and women, as this study shows.
This has serious consequences for career progression. Women are volunteering for more non-promotable tasks (case in point: my video project!) and we’re being asked to do more of them.
How do you tell your boss or coworkers no – especially when they are all looking at you in that moment of uncomfortable silence during an office meeting when the volunteer request is made? How do you say no and still be perceived as a team player?
HOW TO SAY NO AT WORK TO NEW REQUESTS
I have a really bad habit of automatically saying “yes” to requests. I enjoy being the go-to person in certain subject areas, and I know what my strengths and unique skillsets are. When I have an idea or am asked to do something that is exactly in my skillset (my video project), my instinct is to jump right in and get it done, regardless of what else I have going on.
That’s why, over the last few months, I’ve re-committed to my 1/24 rule. I do not volunteer for anything until I’ve given myself time to think about it. When I was working for someone else, I’d give myself at least 1 hour (sometimes you don’t have the option of giving an answer a day later). As my own boss, I give myself one day (24 hours) for any non-urgent decisions related to new projects.
In the moment, in the past I have too often caved to the social expectations that women volunteer. I still find myself literally biting my tongue on calls or in meetings to avoid speaking up to volunteer. It’s uncomfortable to let that awkward silence stand. I sometimes even feel guilty for not volunteering, because serving others is one of my values.
Instead, I remind myself that I need to consider the facts before volunteering. I ask myself:
Do I actually want to take on this project? (Or do I just feel obligated in some way?
Do I have the time to commit to this?
I also remind myself that saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else, and that I can’t serve anyone else well if I don’t have the energy to do so. I look at my past as evidence:
Saying yes to a deadline that got pushed forward meant a week where I had to stay late at work and didn’t get to have dinner with my kids.
Saying yes to creating that video meant I disappointed both other people and myself who were counting on me to get it done more quickly. It meant I had this uncompleted task hanging over me for months. It also meant saying no to exercising last night as I was finishing up the final editing.
Saying yes to taking notes for a meeting meant I had to spend an hour after the meeting compiling them and sending them out. Not being able to spend that hour on my “real work” resulted in a late night (where 1 hour turned into 3), which resulted in me sleeping in instead of working out in the morning. That left me feeling de-motivated for the entirety of the following day, resulting in another late night where the cycle continued until the weekend.
The first step is to STOP SAYING YES to new requests, unless you have logically thought them through first. Just like a patient rushed to the ER, you have to stop the bleeding first. Only then can you attend to any current over-commitments.
When it’s your boss making the request, it’s a bit more challenging but still very doable. What I’ve found to work:
Get clarification about the scope of the project you are being asked to do.
Frame the new ask in the context of your other priorities.
Here’s an example of how a conversation with your boss looks in this context:
Your manager, who walks over to your desk in the middle of the day when you are focused on another task: "I'd like you to take on this new project."
You: "That sounds like an interesting project (assuming that is true). Let’s discuss how this fits in with my other deadlines and priorities, and what we may need to shift around or delegate to someone else to make this new project work. I am finishing up this previous task you assigned currently, can we plan to talk about this later today (or tomorrow) and see how it fits?"
Another option – especially for non-promotable tasks like taking notes – is to agree one time with a qualifier. Upon receiving a request to take notes, I might say: “I find that when I take notes, I can’t fully participate in the meeting because I’m busy writing. I’m happy to take them this time, and suggest that we rotate note-taking responsibilities in fairness to everyone. Who do you think should take notes next time?”
The truth is that no one wants to take notes. However, I’ve found many engineers pride themselves on being fair and will respond favorably to sharing the work among everyone when framed this way. Using that word “fairness” doesn’t trigger the instant defensiveness that would result from saying, “Don’t you know, women are usually asked to take notes and that’s gender bias!” (I do not recommend you say that, especially if you are the only woman on your team or in the office!)
HOW TO SAY NO TO PREVIOUS COMMITMENTS THAT NO LONGER SERVE YOU
Once you’ve stopped saying yes to unnecessary new things, it’s time to tackle the commitments you already have. It’s time to reduce the overwhelm so you can enjoy your work more and reclaim some time for self-care too.
Write down all the projects you’re committed to currently, and the associated “next task” to be done. Once you have this list, put every task into each of the four categories shown below. This graphic is what is called the Eisenhower Decision Matrix, and I’ve found it to be a very fast, visual way to quickly categorize my work tasks.
One common challenge with this matrix is looking at the “delegate” list and thinking “it’s faster to do that myself” or “I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else by asking for help.” I beg you to get away from that mentality. That is likely your ego talking, not your logical brain. In reality, there are only a few things that you really MUST do. What tasks are you doing that no one else is able to do? Those are the only ones that should be urgent/important category. If you can delegate it or ask someone else to help, do it!
After you’ve made your lists, I prefer to focus on the Delegate and Eliminate boxes first. Some of these are easy to do. But often, I see things in my “Delegate” or “Eliminate” boxes that are things I’ve been doing for years that no longer serve me. In talking with other women, this is a common question. How do you stop doing things – especially those “non-promotable” tasks - you are doing that others seem to expect of you?
Here’s one example of such a situation: A young engineer was initially asked by the head of her office branch to do a non-promotable task - like take and distribute meeting notes, order office supplies, or plan a charity golf tournament - the first month of work. Wanting to make a good impression and be a team player, she agreed. Now, 5 years later, she has been promoted to a manager position, but she still feels expected to organize the event.
If I was that engineer, here is the approach I would take:
Can I eliminate it? What would happen if I just stopped doing it? Example: I don’t need to clean up the coffee cups from the conference room’s morning meeting, even if I happened to be in the meeting (and yes, dirty coffee cups on the table bother me and I’ll automatically pick them up!). In this particular case with the golf event, this is not an option, so we’d move to #2.
Can I delegate it directly? Is there anyone else whose job description it is to do the thing I am doing? If you are working at a start-up, for example, perhaps the office had no administrative assistant when you first started, so you really did need to be the person to order office supplies since the whole office was you and the company founder. Now, the company has grown and you are able to delegate that task to the right person. In the golf example, if there is a marketing director in your office, delegating to this person might be the ideal solution.
Can I delegate by suggesting someone else’s name they could contact? Example: I’ve been volunteering for a while, and want to stop to focus on other priorities. I could say, “I’ve really enjoyed volunteering, but I am no longer available to do so. I talked to [name], and he would consider volunteering for this. I’m happy to team with him this year to make the transition to his leadership as smooth as possible.”
Talk to my supervisor about it. If I can’t eliminate or delegate it, it’s time to have a more direct discussion with my supervisor, framing the task I want to stop doing as something that is not an efficient use of my time from a business perspective. Here’s an example of that conversation:
You: “I wanted to talk to you about my current priorities to make sure we are on the same page. I have number of high-priority projects with upcoming deadlines that I know are important to the firm. Yet, we also have the kickoff for our charity golf tournament planning coming up. I’ve been organizing it for a few years now, but I think it’s time to transition who organizes it, so I can make sure the firm’s top priority projects are getting done.
Manager: “I don’t know about that. You’ve been organizing it for a while and it’s been running smoothly. Can’t you just fit it in?”
You: "It doesn’t seem like a great return on investment for the firm to have me planning the golf tournament at this point. At the rate I’m being billed out to clients, it seems like it would be much more profitable to allocate this task to someone else. I am happy to oversee the transition and train the new person. I’ve already talked to [name] and he’s willing to take over.”
Manager: “OK. It seems like you’re already on top of that. Sounds like a plan.”
(Note: In the event you don’t have someone to replace you and are having difficulty getting out of it, an alternative approach would be to request an assistant to help you with the mundane tasks involved. That assistant can be an actual assistant, or it can be someone else who is assigned to help. Companies support activities that are important. If it is important enough for you to be doing it, it is important enough for proper resources to be allocated to it so you aren’t doing it after hours.)
SAY “YES” TO WORK THAT MATTERS
In our efforts to be helpful, collaborative, and team players, it’s easy to say “yes” when we really want to say no. When we say yes automatically to too many things, we quickly walk down the path towards overwhelm, anxiety, and burnout. We lose the joy that can be found in our impactful work. We can even lose others’ faith in our ability to deliver quality work on time when we’ve overcommitted.
Regardless of the time it takes, minutes spent doing non-promotable work add up over the course of a career. I didn’t realize how many of those types of tasks I was doing until I took stock of them. Instead, I thought the reason I couldn’t get everything done was because I was missing a “productivity” tool.
I thought I needed better time management skills, when in fact I needed to stop agreeing or volunteering to do tasks that wouldn’t move my career forward.
Setting boundaries doesn’t just allow you to show up for your most important work, it’s also a form of self-compassion. In her 2015 book, Rising Strong, Brene Brown elaborates:
“It’s so straightforward and it makes sense for all ages in all situations. When we combine the courage to make clear what works for us and what doesn’t with the compassion to assume people are doing their best, our lives change. Yes, there will be people who violate our boundaries, and this will require that we continue to hold those people accountable. But when we’re living in our integrity, we’re strengthened by the self-respect that comes from the honoring of our boundaries, rather than being flattened by disappointment and resentment.”
– Brene Brown, Rising Strong
