Your stomach tightens as you close your laptop for the day. A feedback conversation you need to have is hanging over you. You know exactly what needs to be said - you've rehearsed it in your head dozens of times during your commute, in the shower, and while trying to fall asleep at night.
But every time an opportunity presents itself, you tell yourself, ‘Not today.’ Maybe after the upcoming deadline. Perhaps when things are less busy. When they seem in a better mood. When you're in a better mood.
Days have turned into weeks. The issue isn't improving, and neither are your worries about sharing your feedback. That small voice in your head keeps whispering: What if they take your feedback the wrong way? What if it damages the great working relationship you've built? What if you give them feedback, and they start looking for another job?
You're not alone. As a human-centered STEM leader who cares deeply about your work and the people you work with, you want to get this right. Giving difficult feedback can feel like walking a tightrope - you need to be direct enough to encourage a change while being sensitive enough to maintain trust, motivation, and your relationships.
The fact that you're feeling this internal struggle signals something positive: you have the emotional intelligence to recognize that feedback should be delivered with care.
Your instinct to be careful in giving feedback isn't just good intuition - it's backed by science. A study published in the Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology, for example, found that “it is critically important for leaders to exhibit sensitivity” when providing feedback, especially when providing constructive criticism.
But while being thoughtful about feedback is important, waiting too long can backfire, too. That’s where this article aims to help! In this blog, I’ll outline:
Why having that conversation sooner rather than later may be the best thing you can do for your team members and your organization
Five common mistakes to avoid when giving feedback
My favorite framework you can use to give feedback, with examples
Good feedback is essential for retention
Receiving actionable (also known as objective) feedback is one of the strongest predictors of whether people will stay with your organization. This isn't surprising - a culture where feedback flows freely is typically one where people feel safe having all types of conversations, from celebrating successes to tackling challenges.
Healthy feedback practices and psychological safety go hand in hand, making them markers of high-performing teams and organizations.
When you give meaningful feedback, you’re doing much more than managing performance – you’re nurturing human connections. You’re sending a powerful message that you see someone’s potential and care enough to invest in their development. Without this regular feedback, employees often interpret the silence as a warning sign about their long-term prospects (or rather, the lack thereof) in your organization.
The numbers tell a compelling story about the importance of good feedback for employee retention:
A 2023 Textio study found that individuals who receive low-quality feedback were 63% more likely to leave their organizations compared to their counterparts; in that same study, 17% cited “insufficient feedback” as the PRIMARY reason they’re looking for other roles
A PWC study of millennials at work found that 60% of survey respondents would like feedback either daily or weekly, rising to 73% for employees under 30.
According to Gallop, 45% of employees who quit reported that their manager or other firm leader never proactively discussed how the job was going.
For women engineers, a lack thereof is a leading indicator that a woman will leave engineering, according to the 2011 Report “Stemming the Tide: Why Women Leave Engineering.”
But here's the challenge: while we know feedback is crucial for retention and growth, many technical managers struggle with how to deliver it effectively. We’re going to define “effectively” as not just providing feedback, but delivering it in a way that encourages growth and development, whether that feedback is positive or negative.
Let's look at four common mistakes that can undermine even well-intentioned feedback - and how to avoid them. Then, I’ll share a feedback framework that allows you to give good feedback while avoiding these common mistakes.
Five mistakes managers make when giving feedback
#1 Only giving feedback when something goes wrong
Consider the last time you gave feedback to one of your team members. Was it because something needed to be corrected? If so, you're not alone, and I’ve fallen into this trap too. Many technical managers have a habit of only giving feedback when there's a problem to fix.
This creates two significant issues. First, it means your team learns to dread feedback conversations. When feedback only ever comes with criticism, your 'Can we talk for a few minutes?' becomes the workplace equivalent of getting called to the Principal's office. Over time, this anxiety can erode the psychological safety (see the #2 mistake) you're trying to build, which is the hallmark of a high-performing organization.
Second, and perhaps more damaging, it means you're missing countless opportunities to reinforce positive behaviors. Your team member who proactively identified a design flaw before it went out of your office, the engineer who took extra time to mentor a junior colleague, and the technical lead who handled a difficult client conversation with grace - these moments deserve recognition and praise.
When positive behaviors go unnoticed, they tend to fade. Research shows that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that receive attention and recognition. By only pointing out what's going wrong, you may inadvertently be discouraging the very behaviors you want to see more of in your organization.
Start here if you are not in the habit of giving regular (defined as weekly at a minimum) feedback. Challenge yourself to catch someone doing something good every day at work. Then, use the FBI feedback framework I’ll share later in this article to get good at giving positive feedback.
Do this BEFORE you give feedback that is constructive criticism. This way, you'll not only reinforce positive behaviors, but you'll also build your confidence in giving feedback effectively.
#2 Failing to establish trust BEFORE giving feedback
The most perfectly worded feedback in the world won't land if you haven't built trust with the person receiving it. Think about it - how likely are you to take advice from someone you don't believe has your best interests at heart?
While giving positive feedback is appreciated by everyone, critical feedback is best only given by someone we trust.
When we hear critical feedback but think someone has an ulterior motive for giving it, we might listen (especially if it’s our manager). However, the feedback is likely to go in one ear and out the other. It doesn’t result in a change in behavior.
This is where being intentional about building trust before providing constructive criticism in a feedback conversation is essential. Rather than jumping to share suggestions for improvement, ask yourself:
Have you demonstrated through your past actions that you care about this person's growth? (Example: you’ve provided positive feedback regularly in the past.)
Do you have a track record of regular communication and support with this team member?
Has this person seen you acknowledge and own your own mistakes? (Have you recently modeled how to gracefully accept critical feedback?)
Are you personally open to feedback on what you can improve? (If you aren’t receptive to feedback, people see that and are less likely to be receptive to yours.)
Without this foundation of trust, critical feedback is likely to be met with defensiveness, skepticism, or even outright rejection. The person receiving the feedback might wonder about your motives or question whether you truly understand their work and challenges.
When trust has been built first, your team members are much more likely to take your feedback to heart - whether that means reinforcing positive behaviors or making changes when receiving criticism.
Building trust isn't a one-time event - it's the foundation of human-centered leadership, developed through daily and weekly interactions that show you care about someone’s growth and success.
How feedback is received depends more on how much the person trusts that you have their best interests at heart than on having the perfect words. Without a foundation of trust, even the most thoughtfully prepared feedback may not have the desired impact.
#3 Giving subjective feedback
“Your communication skills need work.”
“Great job on that project!”
“You need to be more confident.”
“You’re too direct.”
These might sound like familiar feedback statements, but they share a common problem: they're subjective, making them nearly impossible to act on. Subjective feedback typically has two major flaws: it's not actionable, and/or it's personality-based.
Personality-based feedback is particularly problematic because it often stems from bias and reinforces a fixed mindset - treating personality traits as unchangeable characteristics rather than specific behaviors that can be modified.
A study on language bias in performance reviews found common phrases used in reviews have a basis in gender and race. For example, descriptors like 'collaborative’ are twice as likely to be used in women’s performance reviews compared to men, and 'ambitious' is twice as likely to be used for men as women. Even seemingly positive traits like 'helpful,' 'nice,' or 'brilliant' can be problematic when not accompanied by a specific example of how they apply.
Here's a simple test: if you wouldn't use an adjective in a technical report because you can't back it up with data, you shouldn't use it in your feedback, either.
Let's look at the difference between subjective and objective feedback:
Subjective: “Your communication skills need work.”
Objective: “I notice you rarely speak up in our team meetings, and I know you have valuable insights to share. How can I support you in contributing more during our next meeting?”
Subjective: “Nice work meeting that deadline.”
Objective: “I really appreciated your attention to detail on the structural analysis portion of the bridge design. Your proactiveness in reaching out to the client for clarification on load requirements helped us avoid potential revisions later. These types of actions make you a valuable contributor to our team.”
Subjective: “You’re too direct.” or “You struggle to be agreeable to clients.”
Objective: “In yesterday's client meeting, when you told the client their timeline was impossible without first asking questions to understand their constraints, it created defensiveness on their part that made it harder to find collaborative solutions. Next time, try starting with something like 'Help me understand what's driving this timeline' rather than jumping to ‘That’s impossible.’"
These examples highlight the stark difference between feedback that leads to growth and feedback that leads to confusion. While nearly everyone has received non-actionable feedback, the impact is not evenly distributed.
Research shows that women, Hispanic and Black individuals, and workers over 40 are more likely to receive subjective, non-actionable feedback.
The key difference? Objective feedback focuses on specific behaviors and their impact, giving the recipient clear information about what to continue or change. Subjective feedback leaves them guessing.
#4 Using the feedback sandwich
“Sandwich criticism between two layers of praise.”
This advice, popularized in the 1989 book “Mary Kay on People Management” by Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, is embedded in management culture. The formula is simple:
Give positive feedback
Add constructive criticism
End with more positive feedback
This sounds good in theory – who doesn’t want to soften the blow of criticism? But there's a fundamental problem: the feedback sandwich confuses people about what they should actually do differently.
The purpose of giving feedback is to either reinforce positive behaviors or encourage someone to change their behaviors. Success depends on whether the person receiving feedback understands what behaviors to keep and what behaviors to change. By mixing positive and negative messages in a single conversation - especially across different topics or projects - you dramatically reduce the likelihood that any of the feedback will stick.
Even when delivered with skill, research shows that the feedback sandwich approach often doesn’t work.
The peer-reviewed journal article “Pearls: Giving and Receiving Feedback” found that recipients of feedback using the feedback sandwich easily recognize this technique as manipulation, making both the praise and criticism feel insincere. Kim Scott, in her New York Times best-selling book “Radical Candor,” agrees, calling the feedback sandwich the “Kiss Me, Kick Me, Kiss Me” approach.
Research indicates the feedback sandwich fails for several key reasons:
Creates confusion about which feedback is important
Feels manipulative and insincere to the receiver
Dilutes the impact of both the praise and the criticism
Prioritizes the giver and receiver’s comfort over growth and clear communication
Prevents proper processing of both the praise and critical messages (because it’s too much information at once)
When you need someone to either reinforce a positive behavior or make a change, the last thing you want is for your message to get lost in translation. Any effective feedback method (and to emphasize: the feedback sandwich is not one of them!) needs to deliver feedback that's both compassionate and clear.
#5 Prioritizing Policy Over People Growth
The core purpose of feedback is to help someone improve and grow. Yet, too often, organizational practices and our own assumptions can get in the way of this goal.
Many well-intentioned feedback processes actually discourage the regular, meaningful conversations that drive growth. For example:
Tying all feedback to formal performance reviews and compensation discussions
Using performance improvement plans (PIPs) as a primary feedback mechanism, or alternately using them without any intention of supporting growth for the employee placed on one
Relying on anonymous feedback systems (like anonymous 360 reviews) when direct conversations would be more effective
Turning feedback into a documentation exercise rather than a development tool
Sometimes, our technical experience may even work against us. Technical leaders often rise through the ranks because of our deep subject matter knowledge. This can tempt us to focus feedback on getting things done 'our way' rather than developing the communication skills needed to coach others to build their own expertise.
One of the most important communication skills we need to develop is the ability to have career conversations, which include giving routine, effective feedback.
Consider a common scenario: A senior engineer reviews a junior team member's work right before a deadline, makes numerous corrections, but never takes the time to explain the thinking behind the changes. While the immediate deliverable might improve, this approach misses a valuable teaching opportunity and can erode the junior engineer's confidence. This also leads to a situation where it happens again and again. The manager is frustrated that the younger engineer “can’t think for themselves” and “isn’t learning from their mistakes.” The younger engineer is frustrated at their lack of growth and feels they aren’t getting enough feedback or the opportunity to improve.
If this scenario sounds familiar, it’s not hard to fix. All you need to do is start providing effective feedback. Here’s a feedback framework that will get you started on building a team environment where feedback becomes an expected and welcomed part of the culture.
Give Better Feedback Using the FBI Framework
Now that we understand what doesn't work, let's focus on a framework that puts human connection at the center of feedback conversations. While there are several effective feedback frameworks, including the CORE method from the previously-mentioned book Radical Candor, my favorite is one that Simon Sinek calls "the best way to give feedback without damaging morale."
This FBI feedback framework, popularized by Kristen Hadeed’s 2017 book “Permission to Screw Up,” is both simple and powerful.
The benefits I (and my clients) have found in using the FBI feedback framework include:
It works
Easy to remember and use
Balances compassion (i.e. that you care about someone’s growth) and directness
Deepens and preserves relationships
Keeps the human experience at the forefront, even in technical feedback conversations where there’s a tendency to focus solely on the problem
Works up, down, and sideways within organizations (i.e. with those you manage, peers, your boss, collaborators, etc.)
Works outside of work (with kids/spouse/friends, in volunteer organizations, etc.)
Helps prevent conversations from becoming heated or defensive if the feedback is critical
If you value people and want to give direct feedback that is clear, kind, and has a maximum chance of preserving that relationship, this is the best method I have found to date.
Breaking Down the FBI Feedback Framework
FBI stands for Feelings, Behavior, and Impact.
Here's how it works:
F - Feelings: Start by expressing how you feel about the specific situation. This might feel uncomfortable at first, especially for technical professionals. However, starting with your feelings is powerful because they:
Make the feedback personal rather than accusatory
Are more challenging to dispute/argue (because your feelings are your feelings)
Show vulnerability in the conversation, which helps build trust
B - Behavior: Describe the specific behavior that led to those feelings. Be precise about:
When it happened
What exactly occurred
Keep it focused on behaviors, actions, and facts
Do not use subjective or personality-based adjectives (see #3 in common mistakes for examples)
I - Impact: Share the impact of that behavior - how it affected you, the team, the project, or the organization.
Keep it focused on facts where possible
Examples: The FBI Feedback Framework in Action
Let's look at how this works in practice.
Example 1: Criticism - Documentation needs to be improved
Instead of saying, 'Your documentation needs improvement,' you might say:
'I felt concerned (F) when I noticed the design assumptions weren't documented in last week's analysis (B), because it means we could miss critical information when we need to reference this project in the future, and other team members might have to redo calculations to verify the design (I).'
Example 2: Praise – Well done on a presentation
Instead of saying, 'Good job on that presentation,' try:
'I felt proud (F) when you walked the client through each step of the analysis methodology in yesterday's meeting (B), because it helped them understand our approach and built their confidence in our recommendations (I).'
The FBI method works for both constructive criticism and recognition, and is effective for all types of feedback and in many different power dynamics.
It's also one of the few feedback frameworks I've found that is equally effective when used for those you are managing, to peers, to your boss, and even to those you need to influence or collaborate with but over whom you do not have direct authority.
Final Tips for Implementing the FBI Feedback Framework
Success with the FBI framework comes down to three things: being specific about the behavior you observed, clearly articulating its impact, and - perhaps most importantly - being honest about your feelings. Don't skip the feelings component, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. It's what humanizes the feedback and builds trust.
Remember that anxiety you felt about giving feedback?
The FBI feedback framework gives you a path forward by putting human connection at the heart of your feedback conversations.
By focusing on your feelings, specific behaviors, and their impact, you can have those necessary conversations in a way that builds trust and encourages growth. Start with positive feedback to practice the framework, and you'll find that even challenging feedback conversations become more manageable and effective.
Want help building a feedback culture?
Building a feedback-rich culture takes practice and commitment. Want help implementing the FBI framework? Contact us about our feedback workshop for organizations, where we provide STEM professionals with hands-on practice giving feedback with real-world scenarios. Professionals at all levels build confidence in giving both positive and constructive feedback, and contributing to a positive work culture for all. Contact me to learn more about bringing this workshop to your organization or getting coaching for yourself on giving feedback.
Share Your Thoughts!
What's your biggest challenge when it comes to giving feedback? Share your experience in the comments below - I'd love to hear what resonates with you and what other feedback strategies have worked in your organization.
